What do you do if your libidos are mismatched?
Updated: Oct 25, 2021
Mismatched libidos are no news to couples. In an ideal world, if you are someone with a higher sexual drive, you would match up with a partner who has a similar libido. But we don't live in an ideal world and it's absolutely normal to have such an imbalance. That's not all, our libidos are changing constantly, and they will keep fluctuating due to several reasons. You meet someone, fall in love, have sex often and when a long-term relationship kicks in, the intensity of sex after the honeymoon glow is hard to match.
At first, it may seem like a difficult situation, but a totally solvable one. If the couple is willing to find a happy medium and come to an understanding about all their differences, often succeed. You can always experiment and work together to achieve the desired satisfaction. Here are some interesting tips to help you navigate the choppy waters of mismatched libido issues.
1. Identify your sexual drive
Mismatched libidos are a common concern amongst the couple who are past their honeymoon stage. Finding a partner with matching sexual drive and interest is extremely hard and quite rare. From hurt feelings to being dissatisfied, overtime this mismatch can cause problems in your relationship. Experts suggest you and your partner discuss the concerns and rate yourself on sexuality and interest in sex. Do the same with your partner. This will help both of you to start seeing your interests more objectively. With this understanding, you'll be able to have an open conversation about initiating sex, interest, and behavior. There's nothing wrong medically or psychologically with having a lower libido level.
2. Learn to empathize
Once you have had an open discussion and arrived at a sexual number, introduce some mutual empathy. It's important for your partner to be in your shoes and vice-versa. This will make you realize how the other person feels being in the relationship and their expectations. Don't zone yourself out into a right or wrong scenario. Instead, this exercise is to understand, how would you feel when you get no for an answer every time your partner initiates sex. Empathizing with each other lays the groundwork for compassion, honesty, and problem-solving amongst the couple.
3. Redefine and reconnect
Redefine what successful sex means to both the partners. Is it just having frequent intercourse or having an orgasm? The definition of pleasure can differ amongst each partner. If these narrow parameters determine your sexual interaction, failure could lead to them feeling inadequate and increased anxiety within the relationship. As an alternative, sex therapists recommend couples discuss other intimate activities that can be considered to bring intimacy back into your relationship. It could be pleasurable oral sex or mutual masturbation that gets both of you to orgasm. Redefining your ideal sexual interactions will set the expectations right without damaging your relationship. Honest conversations can often lead to increased intimacy.
4. Satisfaction over frequency
Is it a fulfilling and satisfying orgasm that matters to you the most or simply the frequency of sexual interactions? It's almost like comparing quality versus quantity. Reconnect and reflect with your partner on recent sexual interactions. Talk about the positions you tried, if there were a discomfort, satisfaction and duration. Discuss both your likes, dislikes, preferences, fantasies, preferred time of the day and setting boundaries. To have a fulfilling sexual experience it's important to have an open conversation. You'll be amazed at how small changes can improve your sexual life for the better.
5. Schedule sex
No kidding. This might not sound like a sexy suggestion, but people with different libidos would find this experiment interesting. In movies, we may see a lot of emphasis on spontaneous sex but in real life, it's not easy. Stress, busy lifestyle or having mismatched libidos often leads to less sex. In such scenarios, planning dates and scheduling sex always works out better. This helps enhance your sexual experience. identify the day and time when your partner is high on energy, see if there's an overlap. Scheduling sex is not a bad thing, it's all about finding time with mutual consent for a couple with mismatched libidos.
It's crucial to get comfortable talking about sex and having open conversations. Mismatched libido or not, strong communication amongst couples is key to building a successful relationship. Talking about sex and intimacy can open up insecurities, but it can lead to a better understanding between both. Make an effort to set the right mood.
If these tips don't seem to work well for you, try seeing a sex therapist who can guide you with helpful insights and suggestions. Depending on your libido levels, the expert will suggest ways to improve your sex life for the better. Avoid playing the blame game, because low sex drive is not a fault. Just like communication, it's essential to accept responsibility and not to take rejections personally. Sex and sexual pleasures are a delicate subject. Try and be mindful.