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  • Melissa

Sex after divorce

Updated: Dec 5, 2022

What happens when all the crying and fighting is over?

When all the crying and fighting is over, when the legal maneuvering is finished, when the judge bangs his gravel and announces, “Divorce granted’ and the ex-spouses go home to their separate places: What happens then? What lies ahead for newly divorced man or woman, other than loneliness?

Society does not prescribe any standard behaviour for divorced people? Alone, people must try and establish a new life, find a place to live, earn a living, find new sources of emotional support and sexual gratification and if they have children try to raise them without emotional scars.

The freedom for personal growth and the lack of hindrance from marital partner which divorce can bring is often countered by an awesome feeling of total responsibility. There is no one to hinder you but there is no one to help and stop you falling either!

What is the most common sexual outcome of divorce?

The most usual outcome for either partner is a drastic reduction in your standard of living and even to day that is often the woman that suffers most. Another result is the loss of marital friends, because they have sided with one spouse or the other. Many friends may not know what to do.

How do you meet new partners?

It is important to understand what you want, what you are ready for and be honest with whomever you meet. Not every dating experience or sexual experience has to be about love. To make it worth while it has to be about honesty and a connection which can come in many forms. It may be a long journey to a true mate and that is ok, you will learn a lot about what you want, need and desire along the way.

It is time to find out what you actually like, not what you were doing to please or appease someone else. You may feel freer, less inhibited which may lead to you being more satisfied.

The reality is that it is probably easier for men than women because even today men probably have more choice. The key is not to see it as an obstacle but a time of self-discovery. What do you want and need and want are your limitations and boudaries. It is a time to discover yourself again after divorce.

Will your sexual pattern be after divorce?

It does not have to be set. There are perhaps three main patterns that emerge.: abstainers, users and addicts.

Abstainers are people who were formely married who were celibate in their relationship because it was thrust upon them by circumstances, such as for example physical illness, old age, geographical isolation or those that chose to abstain. They see divorce as a welcome freedom from the sexual demands on marriage, and they avoid it with a sense of relief, rather than a feeling of deprivation.

Some believe even in this day and age that sex outside marriage is sinful. Many people in this category do have some form of sexual relations, but they continue to believe that love is necessary for sex.

Users are those who separate sex and love and are the most prevalent within the group of the formely married. They are understandably cautious and figuring things out and learning what they want and how to love, feel and connect again. It is important to learn to redefine yourself, repair your ego and even take the time to discover your true sexuality, not just what you accepted.

Addicts spend a lot of time thinking about sex, perhaps obsessively and how to seduce new partners. This is sex without any emotional demands that troubled and confused them in their marriage.

It is important to recognise that patterns are not always set in stone, you could move from one to the other and may need to pass from one pattern to another. The difficulty often occurs if the partner does not know or understand what pattern you are in. Have you made it clear that you want to keep intimacy on a superficial level and casual level, your partner needs to be on the same page and not be seeking safety, stability.

Life or sex after divorce is not the end. It is your time to step back, discover, explore and he happier.

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